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Friction Causes (Trans)Formation
Challenges are a form of friction in our lives. And friction is uncomfortable. We’d rather not have it. We want our comfort and familiarity. Even if it’s not good for us, it’s easier than changing. Change is scary, uncertain, unfamiliar, and unknown. We get scared of letting go of control. But life is out of our control. There is friction. And friction will form us. But we decide how it will form us.
The friction of challenges can form us to be negative, bitter, and egotistical. Or it could form us to be hopeful, resilient, and humble. This is where our values enter into the picture.
If we anchor into our values and let them guide us, then the friction we experience will form us into the people we want to be. Otherwise, we are avoiding the friction, complaining about the friction, and feeling sorry for ourselves because we feel the friction.
When we voluntarily say yes to this friction and accept it, we allow it to change us, transform our situation, and ultimately work in our favor. So, what happens when we lean in instead of leaning away? There is a transformative power that is unleashed when we voluntarily accept our circumstances, like the challenges in our lives.
Challenges bring friction. And friction changes you. So how do you want to be changed?
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Be Strong. Take Heart.
What would life be if we had no courage to attempt anything? – Vincent van Gogh
We need encouragement. More than judgment, more than critical feedback, more than success, more than practice. We need encouragement because at the end of the day what holds us back from being the players we want to be? In most cases, it’s us. We hold ourselves back.
We fear the judgment of others, embarrassing ourselves, and disappointing coaches and parents. We don’t want to mess up. And we typically have a running list of expectations in our minds about what coaches want from us, parents want from us, and what our friends want from us. We worry about meeting expectations and we try not to mess up. This typically makes us play tight, nervous, and be a shadow of the player we could be. We get stuck. We stop taking chances. We play it safe.
How do we get unstuck?
We must give ourselves permission to be great. We need the green light. We need encouragement. Encouragement means to “make strong” and “put in heart.” Encouragement helps us tap into something deeper than our worries. It gives us access to an inner strength that frees us from the chains of fear, judgment, and expectations. It helps us transform.
When we feel worried about what the coach thinks about us. Or we are scared to make a mistake. Or we are exhausted. Or we have had several bad performances in a row. Encouragement places us in a space of freedom. We don’t need the stars to align. We don’t need perfect weather or good vibes. We can be courageous now. Even when things don’t feel good. Even if we are losing. We can begin anew.
Encouragement is a skill that allows us to be courageous in situations where it might be difficult. Encouragement helps us push into what we are really capable of instead of settling for anything short of our potential. Encouragement helps us shed the layers of expectations, binding narratives, and fears that hold us back from the transformation we are desiring.
Be strong and take heart.
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The Superpower of Steadfastness
Setting goals will increase your confidence, motivation, and determination. But, it will not get you there. It sets you off on the journey and can help you stay focused while climbing the mountain. You will need something else along the way. Steadfastness.
When we commit to a path and hope it will bring us to where we want to be, we judge if it’s the right path by what happens along the way. If things happen that we don’t like or if it is taking too long for us to reach our goals, we begin to doubt the path. We look for shortcuts and try to find other people taking different paths.
The Hiking Analogy
Picture hiking up a mountain. The trail you are on is challenging and dangerous. You were told it’s the best way to the top of the mountain. But time and time again you doubt if this is true. You have to climb over fallen trees and walk through mud. There are occasional snakes and you watch out for poison ivy. You look for another trail.
You come across another trail and think that it’ll be easier and bring you up to the top of the mountain faster. Then after a while, you realize that this trail is just as difficult as the other one and doesn’t seem to be going in the right direction. You turn around and get back on the original path. Now, where are you? Right back where you were when you decided to take a shortcut. Except you are more frustrated, exhausted, and behind on time.
If you would’ve put that time and energy into the original path you’d be significantly closer to the top. So is the path the problem or is it a lack of steadfastness?
We Get Worried
We get scared and worried. We are worried that we won’t make it to the top or that we won’t make it quick enough. So we scramble. We look for another way because we doubt the path but really we doubt ourselves.
It makes sense that we doubt ourselves. We doubt that we have what it takes to do what we want to do. Especially if we are doing something new or uncertain or challenging.
But how else will we become who we need to become? How else will we get what we need to make it? Settling into the process seems like the only way. This requires steadfastness, which is a combination of patience, commitment, and trust.
This implies an element of suffering and being secure in your position. Not backing out, not looking for detours when things don’t go your way, not letting your doubts and worries dictate your path.
Impacts Are Made Gradually
At the heart of steadfastness is patience. The ancient word for patience referred to rivers. These elements of rivers that stay the course, that continually flow no matter the route. And they change the surrounding landscape over time. It’s impact is gradual, powerful, and occurs below the surface.
Like a river, keep flowing. Some days will be more powerful than others. Yet, over time it is the steady commitment to flowing every day, trusting that consistent efforts over time will create an impact greater than what we thought possible.
It will never look how you think it should look. So commit to what it is.
Stay the course. Keep the path. Trust the process.
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Responsibility
Responsibility strengthens our ability to respond.
When we act like things are always being done to us, then we lose our sense of agency. Agency is what gives us power to create change, make plays, and leave an impact. However, when we complain and blame, we give this power away. We start spinning the narrative that we are not who we want to be because of this factor or that factor. We tell ourselves that the power lies outside of us and there’s nothing we can do about it. This is a lie. Are there things outside of our control? Absolutely. Can we still exercise our power to make a difference and change the situations we find ourselves in? Absolutely.
There is an energy that is unleashed in our minds and bodies when we voluntarily say yes to circumstances we find ourselves in and the demands placed upon our lives. When we think things are always done to us and feel sorry for ourselves, we shrink our potential and get stuck in cycles of negativity and selfishness. We make ourselves small. When we say yes to these situations, we don’t avoid it, we take responsibility. We choose it. This gives us back our power. And instead of getting smaller, we expand our sense of agency and impact on our environment.
Responsibility strengthens our ability to respond. And if there is any superpower in life, it is that – to respond to the circumstances of our lives with our whole selves.
Instead of avoiding it, own it. Instead of saying, “no, no no,” say “yes.”
Say yes to the burden, the unfairness, the unideal circumstances, the challenges, the tiredness, the losses, the opportunities. Make it your responsibility.
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Trust Yourself
I used to think that being confident meant feeling sure of yourself. Then I would feel nervous before games or doubt myself in moments of pressure and get frustrated. As much as I practiced and prepared for competition, I never felt totally sure of myself. Which made me feel like something was wrong with me. I never thought that confidence actually might be different than I thought.
Confidence comes from a Latin word, “confidere,” meaning “to trust.” It does not refer to a feeling of self-assurance, rather it is referring to a deep-seated belief that chooses to trust in the face of uncertainty. This makes so much more sense in the context of being a competitive athlete. If you are a competitive athlete, then aren’t you always trying to push the boundaries of what’s possible? Wouldn’t this mean that you are constantly facing newness, uncertainty, and discomfort? How can you constantly have a feeling of self-assurance if you it’s new? How can you be completely sure of yourself when things are out of control? Those feelings won’t be there. But what will?
The development of a trust from within yourself. This is what confidence is about. The seeds of confidence are planted when we say yes to circumstances that make us feel insecure. They are watered and given sunlight by the acceptance of our doubts. Ultimately, confidence is grown when we trust ourselves enough to fully commit to being the person we want to be. It is not about feeling totally sure of ourselves or having a list of accomplishments to validate our credibility. It is about trusting that there is more to us than we think, especially when we feel like an imposter and are out of our element. This is where we are called to be because this is where trust is necessary.
Trust that there is more – the best is yet to come.
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Free Bonus Booklet for Sports Coaches, Parents, and Athletes
This is a free pdf downloadable bonus booklet to my recent book, B.E.T. On It: A Psychological Approach to Coaching Gen Z and Beyond. This bonus booklet covers the power of the added “T” – TALK! Communication is crucial in coaching. And how we speak and listen is intimately intertwined with our nervous system and the nervous systems of others. This booklet dives into how you can place a bigger B.E.T.T. by focusing on TALK. It covers the connections between communication and our nervous system, as well as communication between coaches and athletes, teammates, and self-talk. Learn knowledge and strategies to connect with yourself and your athletes better, while improving players’ receptivity, engagement, and performance.
BONUS BOOKLET
This is a free bonus booklet to Bet On It! It covers the importance of TALK and how communication is intertwined with our nervous system. It provides knowledge and tools for athletes, coaches, and parents to grow in communication and performance.
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Adventure – The Process of Arrival
It is all an adventure.
Whether we are trying to become a professional athlete, a business owner, a successful writer, a reliable parent, or any other calling in life, the path is an adventure.
An interesting definition of adventure is “the process of arrival.” If we say yes to a calling in our lives, then adventure is what we are guaranteed. We are not guaranteed the fulfillment of our dreams, and we may not arrive where we hope. But we are guaranteed the process of arrival.
The process of arrival is the in-between space – the space that we typically wish away because we want to rush into the ideal place that only exists in our imagination. Like chasing a mirage. After a while we stop living for the illusion of later and start opening up to what’s real now.
The process of arrival is full of the things we need but wouldn’t willfully choose.
The wrestle matches with our doubts. The painful frustrations with letting go of what we thought we wanted. The popped bubbles of our ego from honest feedback. The nagging demands from others. The constraining edges of our limitations.
Real-life stuff. This is what adventure brings us. These are the things that change us—that transform us.
No matter what scheme people try to sell us. Or product we are told we need to buy. Or opportunity that will fast-track us to where we should be. There is no dodging reality. There is no skipping the in-between space.
Because that’s where we become who we are called to be. That’s the adventure we are invited to embrace. This is the process of arrival.
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New Book for Coaches, Parents, and Athletes
Playing sports can be stressful. Yes, it’s a game, but that does not mean it’s not real—it’s very real.
We can face pressure, criticism, failure, injury, burnout, pain, relationship issues, judgment, and defeat. These are real things in life. And even though we are ultimately playing a game or performing, these environments can stress us out.
When we become stressed, our nervous system becomes dysregulated. This means our brain and body function less optimally. We experience performance breakdowns. We lose control over our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Trying to perform in a state of dysregulation leads to worsened performance and less enjoyment.
Players and coaches should understand how their brains and bodies are impacted by the circumstances they face in their performance environments. They should also know how to regulate their nervous systems to improve their health, well-being, and performance.
My new book, B.E.T. On It: A Psychological Approach to Coaching Gen Z and Beyond, seeks to do this. It provides a psychological understanding of athletes and gives practical tools to help them regulate, which means they can better control their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
The benefits of a regulated nervous system for athletes are numerous:
- Decreased stress
- Decreased risk for injury
- Better sleep
- Improved mood, emotion regulation, and cognitive performance
- Better relationships and communication
- Enhanced performance and recovery
Check out how a better understanding of the brain and body can help athletes develop holistically!
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Self-Beliefs for Athletes and Performers
The associations between our circumstances and our experiences establish underlying beliefs. These beliefs inform our expectations for the future. And these expectations impact our performances.
How Associations Form Beliefs
For example, if an athlete performs poorly against a rival team, there is an association between their circumstances (e.g., playing the rival team) and their experiences (e.g., a bad outcome). In more detail, let’s say this game was extra important because scouts were coming to the game to watch them play. Let’s also say that since this game was meaningful to the player, they experienced nervousness before the game. They felt a little jittery and tight. Their stomach was slightly upset before the game. The player noticed that teammates were taking warm-ups more seriously, the crowd was bigger, and they announced the starting line-ups on the loudspeaker. It all felt bigger. And the player did not perform well. It was their worst performance of the season.
Now, in this example, there is an association between the circumstances (e.g., playing this rival team, having a scout present, nervousness) and the experiences (e.g., playing poorly, stressing themselves out). This association can establish important underlying beliefs for this player. These beliefs might be: When we play this rival team, I play bad. When I feel nervous, bad things happen. When there is more pressure and it’s a serious game, I can’t play my best.
These underlying beliefs are unhealthy. Why? They associate circumstances and experiences and present them as ” facts” in their minds. These beliefs inform the player’s expectations for the future. They will feel more nervous and discouraged when they play the same rival team later in the season or when another scout comes to watch them play because they think their past performance will be replicated. They are defeated before it starts.
If you look at the example, you can see how the circumstances are not the issue. The real issue is not playing the rival team. The real issue is not the scouts coming to watch them play. The real issue is not getting nervous before a game. The real issue is the player’s belief about what those circumstances mean. They believe these circumstances mean that they will play bad.
So, what can they do?
Changing Unhealthy Beliefs
The player should decouple those beliefs from the circumstances. This means that they should challenge those “facts” in their head. Is it a fact that when they play this rival team, they will play poorly? Is it a fact that when they feel nervous, bad things happen? Is it a fact that when there is more pressure on a game, they can’t play their best? These are not facts. These are associations from past experiences, but it does not mean this will 100% happen in the future.
It does not mean that these circumstances caused these outcomes. It does not mean that performance breakdowns are bound to happen again. It just means that there were circumstances in which the player did not play their best. It happened. But if the player faces these circumstances again, it does not mean that they will experience the same outcomes.
Now, after questioning those “facts” in their head and decoupling their beliefs from the circumstances, they can change those beliefs. The new beliefs might sound like: I did not play well in the past against this team and I’ll be prepared to try again when another opportunity arises. I experience nervousness when I’m doing something that matters to me, and this is normal. It’s difficult to deal with added pressure in games, and that’s something I can improve on.
Power of New Beliefs
The old beliefs are changed. The new beliefs acknowledge that things aren’t always perfect, but that’s part of the process. These new beliefs leave room to grow and normalize the setbacks along the way. This helps the player decrease their stress and worry while motivating them to commit more of themselves in challenging circumstances. Now, there is a different story in their heads—a story that is more hopeful and opens new doors of possibilities.
Change the beliefs, change the story. Change the story, change the future.
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Great Athletes are Instinctual and Intellectual
Compete with instincts. And, at times, compete with your intellect. Engage your intellect to think about things intentionally. Engage your instincts to trust yourself and play freely. But, most of all, don’t get in your way. Find a balance that works for you.
A Place for Both
Great athletes are both instinctual and intellectual. What this means is that they play by instincts. They don’t overthink. Their brains and bodies are trained to compete to the best of their abilities. They trust that and roll with it.
However, they also use their intellect when necessary – when they need to make adjustments, analyze feedback, and set goals. Their intellect is typically engaged outside of competition time. These are in preparatory periods (e.g., off-season, timeouts, halftimes, practices, meetings, etc.). Yes, an athlete might be intellectual during games, but the majority of their playing ability comes from their instincts. And during preparatory periods, their instincts are informed by their intellects.
The intellect might help correct faulty instincts. The intellect might help pull a player out of distraction and guard them from being impulsive or reckless. Athlete must have both. There are players that are all instinct and could use a healthy dose of engaging their intellect. And there are players who overthink and overtrain, and they could use a healthy dose of trusting their instincts.
Put simply, some players should think less and some should think more.
Examples
This could look like a basketball player shooting a free throw in the final seconds of a tied game. They worry about missing it and letting their team down. They begin to think through each step: elbow in, shooting pocket, roll off the fingertips, hold the follow-through. With each thought, their shot becomes less rhythmic and more robotic. It loses its flow and automaticity. The shot is missed, and the player’s worry becomes real.
This player engaged their intellect when they should’ve engaged their instincts. They should’ve trusted themselves.
The message here is: get the mind out of the way of the body and what it knows how to do. Let it be and trust it.
This could also look like a volleyball player struggling to hit the ball because the other team is double-blocking and shutting down their go-to shots. The player gets angry. They try harder to swing through the block. And when it fails, and the other players talk trash through the net, they get even more heated. Their instincts push them to try and prove that they are better and can get a point by swinging harder.
This player is dysregulated and can’t fully trust their instincts. They need to take a step back and engage their intellect. This would help them listen to their coach, make adjustments, and not take things too personally.
The message here is to take a step back sometimes. Reflect and make adjustments when necessary.
In sports and life, we want to be both instinctual and intellectual. There will be moments when we should trust our instincts and let our bodies and brains operate automatically. There will be other moments when we want to think more intentionally about our decisions and create goals to help us perform better.