I feel like an imposter. I have lots of uncertainties and insecurities in the things I set out to do. I know other people experience this but I still wonder if other people feel this way as much as I do. From the outside, it looks like everyone is doing alright for the most part. So if they felt like imposters, wouldn’t it be more obvious?
Maybe we don’t want to admit it. We fear that if we admit to our uncertainty and insecurity, then this somehow discredits us. We’ll lose respect or lose an opportunity. We try to cover it up. But a part of us, even if it is buried, still questions ourselves.
It’s Normal to Feel Not Normal
We all feel this way when we do things we care about. We feel like we should be more qualified, prepared, secure, verified, or “confident” to do what we want. But even if we had those things. Even if the “perfect” set of circumstances came, wouldn’t we still experience doubt? Wouldn’t we still wonder if we are the “right” person for the job? Wouldn’t we still feel afraid because we don’t know exactly what we are doing and if it’s “right”?
There might be moments when we feel more sure of ourselves and secure in our actions, but these are typically the exceptions, not the norm. If we are trying to pursue things meaningful to us and create the life we want, don’t we feel like an imposter waiting to be found out?
My Experience
I’ve always had that part of me. Not as a child because children don’t care if they’re qualified. They just do and create. But probably around ten or eleven years old, I started worrying more about what other people thought about me than trusting that childlike instinct to be free from concern. I think this is when I started doubting myself and obsessing over what the “right” thing to do is. Not because I was so in love with making the world a better place and wanted to add to the dignity of everything with my choices. But because I was terrified of doing the wrong thing- of messing up and being blamed and punished. This made me put so much pressure on myself to look good, act good, and perform good. This made me focus on outcomes and not the process of trusting myself.
I remember being a young athlete and being so unsure of myself. I thought that I could practice those doubts and nervousness away. If I just shot enough shots, or did enough drills, or practiced enough moves, I would feel certain that I’d succeed. Then the game would come around, and I’d get worried. I was afraid to mess up, let people down, or not perform to my potential. Then, I’d react to those fears and worries. I thought that if I had those fears and worries, that meant something was wrong. I thought it meant that I would play badly and was doomed. I felt bad. I felt guilty for having those thoughts and feelings even though I couldn’t control them. I’d get mad at myself, practice more, and be determined to beat this thing. This thing that was holding me back – myself. The battle turned inward. And it led to more discouragement and defeat.
Insecurity as a Path to Security
This is common, regardless of our roles and responsibilities in life. We all tend to get in our own way and lack the trust to move toward what we want in this life. I’m trying to strengthen my own belief. The belief is that the doubts, worries, insecurities, and fears are not the end of the story. Nor do they ultimately mean that something bad will happen. They are just part of the story, and I get to take action even when I feel like an imposter. I get to trust in the fact that there is more to the story, and I can create it.
Right now, in my journey, I’m trying to:
Let go of attachment to my self-image. Shift my focus from outcomes to process. And listen to the childlike instinct to do and create.
Cheers to the process because all will be well. And uncertain.
