Forging a Space Between Forgetting and Fixating
“Next play!” “Forget about it. Move on!” “Short memory.” “Get ready for the next one!”
We hear these phrases often as performers. They are typically shouted, whispered, commanded, and shared in a moment. Perhaps a moment of intensity, or a moment of quick connection before the next task. Coaches, teammates, colleagues, and friends may not always have the resources to approach mistakes in a holistic way. So this quick utterance is meant to help us feel better and focus better. Many times the underlying message is that we should let go of the past so we can focus on the present. We don’t want to be hooked on worries, fears, or anxieties regarding our past failures. Our coaches, teammates, leaders, and others have told us this, and we might have a voice in our head echoing the same message. Which makes it more frustrating when we can’t do what those voices are telling us to do. We might think there is something wrong with us because we can’t follow the advice.
Our Typical Options
However, it’s natural for our minds to get hooked when we miss the mark. There is something in this experience that we need. There is feedback to be heard and information to be learned. But, if we allow this experience to hook us, then we may become fixated on the mistake. It ends up chasing us into the next play or task. And the more we resist, the more it grips us.
If we get hooked by past mistakes then we are unable to move into the next moment with our full strength. And if we try to forget the experience altogether then we stumble forward without important insight. After missing our mark, not reaching our goals, making careless errors, and failing, we must forge a space between forgetting and fixating. This is a space where we can learn and let go.
A New Way Forward: The 3 R’s
A way for us to create a space between forgetting and fixating is through the “3 R’s” – Register, Release, and Refocus. This method outlines specific steps to take after making a mistake or facing a setback in performance, competition, and life.
Register
We first need to process our experiences. Typically we know what we did wrong before anyone tells us. Our minds are wired to detect the negative aspects of our performance. When we make a mistake, we must first take a moment to let it sink in and glean instructional information from it. This feedback is what we need to move forward in a stronger way. After we take in the information, we should normalize the experience. We should remind ourselves that mistakes are a guaranteed part of the process. We perform to make mistakes and grow. This is why we are here doing this in the first place. It’s normal to feel as if the mistake is bigger than it is but creating space to normalize this experience helps us to detach from it. Lastly, we need to accept it. Process it, normalize it, and accept it. It happened, and it will happen again in the future. Embrace that fact.
Release
After we allow the mistake to teach us what we need to know then we can let go of that experience. We got what we needed and that will serve us at the next opportunity, but that experience should not weigh us down. We don’t want to look back at something chasing us. We want to be present to the moment and bring everything we have to what we do. However, our mistakes make this presence difficult because we become tense or worried. We feel this tension in our bodies which constantly communicates to our brains. It is necessary to step into that dialogue and send some important messages.
We are bodily creatures so we must use our bodies to tell our brains that we release the past mistake. This looks like finding an active ritual you can perform each time you make a mistake. This could be a physical opening up of your hands by your sides to symbolize openness and releasing something. This could be an extra long exhale symbolizing letting go of the past and centering yourself in the present moment. This could be the direction of your eyes on an object in the environment (like a written note or a space on the field/court/room) that acts as a reminder to let go and helps act as a mental and physical sight for you to dump off the past. A visual junkyard. This could also be verbally or mentally stating a mantra or phrase that helps you release it. After performing a ritual such as these, you may find that you are lighter and more flexible to engage in the present moment. Now it’s time to refocus.
Refocus
Using our minds to help us re-engage with the present moment is difficult. Our minds are complex and we are not in total control of our thoughts or attention. However, our minds can only direct attention toward one thing at a time. Many times the light of our attention gravitates towards our mistakes. Shining the light of our attention on what we want to avoid will only make it occur more, as well as drain our energy and motivation. Rather, we want to focus the light of our attention on what we want to achieve. Our attention might regularly wander like a spotlight in the night sky, but giving our minds one thing to settle on helps us refocus. Picking an instructional cue word or phrase helps direct the mind toward what you want to achieve. Then, when you are about to execute this action, repeat it over and over in your mind as you prepare to execute it. Engaging in this instructional self-talk not only helps focus your mind on something tangible and regulate your emotions, but it also improves your performance on the task at hand.
Final Thoughts
If we perform this method after our mistakes, we can begin to handle these inevitable blows to our egos a little better. And in time, we have experiences where we mindfully respond to situations rather than mindlessly react. We begin to believe that mistakes are not a sign that something is wrong with us, but they are experiences that teach us. If we can forge a space between intentionally forgetting and obsessively fixating, we can embrace the real development that is born from mistakes. This is where we care but don’t take things too personal. We focus but don’t fixate. We remember but we also release.
