A Process Issue
What holds players and coaches back?
As a coach, you help players move from where they are now to where they want to be. You start with what they know and teach them what they don’t know. You start from a place of certainty and travel through a place of uncertainty. This is the challenge. Can players and coaches engage in this process, in this journey, so they can get better?
We typically wonder, can we move players? Can we motivate them? Fire them up? Get them going?
What about moving with players? Journeying with them. In this process of togetherness, they deeply learn skills that help them grow instead of memorizing what the coach wants to avoid punishment. This is what we are really after-players who have a passion for the adventure of growth. Players that approach challenges and do hard things. This is not something people are either born with or not. This is not purely genetic. This is learned. And can be taught. And coached. And maybe it’s more about the coach’s willingness than the player’s willingness that helps this happen.
We should be willing to develop trust, not dependency.
How do we do this?
Developing Trust, Not Dependency
How do we build trust?
Leave them alone and don’t leave them alone.
Leave them alone by stopping nagging. You want them to be empowered to make adjustments from within, not be overly dependent on your coaching. The more you nag, remind, and repeat yourself, the more you create a system where they rely on you more and less on themselves. This also drains your energy and leaves you frustrated. So leave them alone. Give them space to do things, try things, figure it out, and experience the motivating discomfort of messing up.
And at the same time, don’t leave them alone. Be with them in this process. Don’t leave them without a supportive presence and guiding encouragement.
Don’t nag and constantly provide the feedback you think they need. Players typically don’t need more feedback; they need more grit, perseverance, creativity, guts, curiosity, and resilience.
What’s holding players and coaches back is not information. We have more information, YouTube videos, resources, trainers, and hacks than ever. So why are players struggling to learn and grow? Because it’s a process issue, not an informational issue.
Players (and all humans) struggle with the process. They struggle with trying something new that feels awkward, sacrificing a temporary success for a long-term gain, or facing the discomfort of training long enough to activate the growth. It’s a process issue. Players struggle with the tension inherent in any process of learning and growing. This tension is a normal, natural, and necessary part of the process.
Players are quick to abandon the process of discomfort and tension. And that makes sense. Why would they say yes to feeling pain? Or feeling like they suck at something? Or feeling bad for not being as good as other people? They quickly escape because it doesn’t make sense in their brains. This is where coaches come in. This is where trust comes in.
As coaches, we see potential. We know the road ahead. We see that changing their shot or swing or dedicating time to a certain skill or resistance training will benefit them in the future. But they don’t see this. Things are unknown, uncertain, and unpredictable for them. It’s hard for them to grasp the purpose and value of the process. They wonder, why am I doing this?
Invite, Don’t Invade
We typically coach with invasions, not invitations. But this makes players defensive. When we invade their space by pushing our own agenda, we steal their autonomy. Their motivation decreases because it’s the coach’s journey, not theirs. We think we are doing them a service because we think our job is to push them. But does that really work? And is that really our job?
Think of journeying on a hike together in the mountains with a player. Things might be going well as you walk and talk side by side. Then you get to a vista – a place to rest with a nice view. You see other mountains and lakes. This vista has some shade and water. The longer you spend time there, the more the player gets comfortable and wants to stay. However, you urge them to keep going up the trail with you. You know what the trail is like ahead. You know there are much better views and rivers and trees farther up the trail. They resist. They think this is good enough.
With much nagging and reminding, they reluctantly get up and start back on the trail. The trail is full of climbs and switchbacks. It’s hot and uncomfortable. There’s an occasional view, but none of them are as good as the views from the previous vista. The player doubts you and what you know. Does it get better? they wonder. They struggle to trust. They want to go back. They think about how that vista was comfortable and familiar. You continue to remind them about what lies ahead and about pushing themselves. You drain your energy as you yell for them to keep going. They resist, so you try to push them up the trail from behind. You try to move them when they struggle to move themselves. Their feet get buried in the ground, and you push harder. After a while, you are both exhausted. And you begin to wonder if this is worth it. You both want to go back now.
Is pushing and convincing worth it? Do we constantly want to be fighting uphill battles of wills?
Don’t Leave Them Alone – Be With Them
Coaching players is a side-by-side journey. It’s not about pushing them all the time. Yes, there are times when athletes should be pushed because they need the encouragement and support to do hard things and grow. Occasionally, a nudge can help. But when we constantly push, we make them stronger at resisting us. They push back, not ahead.
Journeying together looks much different. And it results in more growth with less effort.
Think about this. When the player is comfortable and familiar sitting at the vista, you begin sharing about the trail. You share how it winds and goes uphill more and how the next little bit may not be as good as this part. But after some climbing, you talk about how the mountain opens up. There are better views of things you can’t see here. And there are places to explore that are exciting and new. You share the reality of the journey and the goodness of the arrival. Then you invite them and see if they’re interested. You see if that’s what they want. It’s an invitation.
Then you journey together. You don’t nag them or yell. You listen, understand, and work with them to accomplish the climb. You be with them, be present to their doubts, difficulties, and desires. You take breaks, backtrack, detour, and struggle. With you there, they find what they need inside of themselves. In time, you arrive together. Now, they have learned that they’re capable of doing hard things and experience the rewards of their commitment.
During the journey, you act as a stable presence in the tension of discomfort and doubt. You help them see that this tension and uncertainty can be endured. They begin to internalize this. They learn from your presence. You don’t leave them alone, even when they want to leave themselves alone by escaping what they started.
They trust your presence and know that you’ll be there with them.
Trusting you helps them trust themselves and trust the process.
A Search for What’s Possible – Let’s See
We all struggle with giving ourselves space to figure things out. It’s hard. Our instincts spur us to escape and run away. We want to rush out away from discomfort and uncertainty into something familiar and easy. But the steadiness of the other person shows us that we can stay. It opens up the possibility of another way. We see that even though there’s a voice in our heads saying quit and a feeling in our body that wants to run, we can settle into it. We see that we are stronger than we thought and that those doubts and feelings were wrong. Because someone else is being with us, we begin to be with ourselves. Because they trust us, we begin to trust ourselves. Now, we know we can lean into the process even though we feel like leaning away from it. We now understand that there’s more to come, so keep pushing.
So leave them alone and don’t leave them alone. Stop nagging and be present with them in the tension. Help them tolerate discomfort and uncertainty, knowing that these things we want to avoid are really what we are looking for. They possess the gifts, skills, talents, and growth we are looking to gain. Only in this submission to the process can we see what we’re made of. Otherwise, we settle and sell ourselves short, even if we think the views are good enough. It could be better. So let’s find better together.
