My biggest regret as an athlete was being so overly concerned with my own personal success that I did not allow myself to truly be part of a team. I was not a good teammate because I was too fixated on my own results and what people thought about me. If I played well, a loss mattered less. I rarely thought about the other players on the team and what they might be going through on and off the field/court. As long as I knew that I performed well, then I could think of a loss or issue as their problem and not my problem. I was “free” in a sense of responsibility because I could say that “Well I played well.”
The World of ‘Me’
My perception of games and sports underwent a significant shift when I began to recognize the transactional power of performance. Sports stopped being activities that I did because I enjoyed them, but became activities I did because of what they gave me. I began to gauge their worth by what I could derive from them. Sports became a means for me to assert my worth, to stand out, and earn respect from others. I noticed that when I performed well, my dad paid more attention to me, and I felt more confident among my friends at school the next day. It felt liberating because I could afford to make mistakes without fearing judgment, knowing I had room for error. I became hooked on this part of competition.
Identity All Wrapped Up
Basketball no longer meant putting a ball in a hoop and soccer no longer meant putting a ball in a goal. They meant a lot more than that. Sports were a means for me to prove myself, to set myself apart, to be somebody. And if I did not perform to my potential or I messed up, then that was a threat to my identity. It meant everything to me. And since it meant so much to me, it felt so big. I felt the overwhelming pressure I helped create inside of myself. Sports became fueled by feelings of obligation rather than passion. I felt sort of trapped at times. Like I built my image, expectations, and life around this thing so I couldn’t abandon it. And I put so much pressure on my performance so I couldn’t step away from it. And if I stepped away, who would I be?
It was easy for me to identify as an athlete because that is the world I lived in and what I cared about. I never thought of myself as a member of a team, but a player that needed to prove himself. A player whose world depended on how well he did. This approach was exhausting and isolating. Since I placed my attention and energy on my sole performance, I isolated myself. It felt good when I performed at a high level because I could snatch my share of glory and say that the win or accomplishment happened because of me. But that isolation lingered, especially during times of disappointment. By valuing myself as an individual rather than a team player, the lows felt even more crushing. I couldn’t fully share in the glory with others, and thus had no one to help me shoulder the suffering.
Another Way
Being a part of a team doesn’t mean sacrificing your individuality or losing your sense of self. On the contrary, it opens doors to unexpected growth and unimaginable possibilities. It broadens our perspectives and reminds us that the process, relationships, and even mistakes are shared experiences. Through embracing the team dynamic, we find a sense of belonging and fulfillment that solely focusing on personal success could never provide.
I’m slowly coming to these realizations myself, through my marriage, relationships with others, my educational and professional journey, and my involvement in sports and coaching. I’m starting to understand the importance of letting go of my own results at times. Being an integral part of a team can teach me more than pursuing individual accomplishments ever could. It requires embracing the process, acknowledging that things rarely unfold exactly as I envision, and understanding that perhaps life is better because of it. Though this is hard for me to believe, and even harder for me to live.
