Coaching is frustrating because there is little instant gratification. There is the gratification that comes from players growing in skills, teams winning, or successful seasons. Yet, it’s not everyday or every week or every season. It feels like it should happen more.
It’s easy to feel discouraged by the amount of time, energy, and effort that goes into sowing the seeds for a harvest that never seems to meet our expectations.
However, is more happening beneath the surface that we don’t see?
There is. I believe that.
And I believe we should focus on coaching beneath the surface by offering players support and separation.
I also believe that coaches can learn how to do this from trees and rats.
Trees and Support
Players and coaches are like trees. Trees create connections and systems with one another as they develop. Older, more mature trees support younger, less mature trees. The older trees are developed. They’re tall and their trunks and branches have been hardened by the forces of nature. Their roots have expanded deep into the soil throughout their lives and connected with others to foster greater stability and absorption of nutrients. They communicate and contribute to life around them and part of their job is to protect the younger trees.
These younger trees have not developed the hardened trunks and branches to endure the forces of nature. Nor have they cultivated deep roots with connections to give them stability to face the strong winds. The older trees provide this protection so younger trees can develop. Younger trees would topple over if they were exposed to forceful winds too early. It’s important to note that the older trees protect younger trees, but not too much. They know that if they over-protect, they will hurt the future of these immature trees more than help. If younger trees are protected too much, they will stay immature, unable to support their own weight. This protection does not create dependency but empowers the young trees to fulfill their potential.
Older trees provide balanced support for the younger trees so they can mature. They do this in part by providing nourishment and resources beneath the surface. The older trees share nutrients through their root systems as the young trees develop. This allows their roots to grow and connect with others. With this development, they begin to rise to an adult height, becoming a new generation of mature trees to sustain the life around them. And much of this growth happens beneath the surface, invisible to the naked eye.
And this process might take 10-50 years for trees. How many of those days does it seem like nothing is happening on the surface?
This is slow growth.
Coaching for Slow Growth Beneath the Surface
I connect this to how coaches offer support. Growth may happen slowly on the surface with a player’s skills, physical abilities, or successes. But much might be happening beneath the surface. Coaches help protect players; they provide a space of security where players can ask questions, mess up, and learn. Without this security, they would struggle to learn because things would be overwhelming. Through this supportive connection, players learn how to play the game, and all along, they are being fed beneath the surface for the future ahead of them.
This is why we play– to learn and grow into our potential. And playfulness is dependent on security.
This security is everything. There is no play apart from security. When we are secure, we play. When we become insecure, we survive. This is the science of human attachment. When we have security, we explore, take risks, and seek to make discoveries. This is like a child playing at the park with their parent. When they feel secure in the presence of their parent, then they can explore new areas of the park, play with other kids, and push the boundaries of their limits. They engage in play because they feel safe and secure in their attachment.
However, this security does not only come from support but also from the allowance of separation. This separation allows security to develop internally so they are not overly dependent on seeking security externally. This means that coaches must step back so players may step up. This separation happens in the context of their support and relationship. It is not abandonment and leaving them isolated; it gives them space to play and figure things out on their own.
Rats and Separation
This is shown by researchers testing play versus survival circuits in rats. They found that rats would squeak in laughter when they played with one another. They were being social and playful. They were learning and building bonds. But, when the researchers placed the scent of a cat, the rats stopped squeaking and playing. The rats entered survival mode because they detected a threat (cat). Later in the experiment, when researchers placed these rats back in this same environment without the scent, they still suppressed their play circuits and entered survival mode. This is because the rats associated the area with a threat, even though there were no signs of a cat.
In these experiments, researchers used a tactic called “handling,” which is shown to be effective in helping rats become less fearful and less reactive to a variety of stressors later in life. Handling involves separating young rats from their mother and dam for brief periods of time (15 minutes) in the first two weeks following birth. These “handled rats” are more playful than non-handled rats. When these handled rats were exposed to the scent of a cat, they were more cautious but they did not suppress the playful circuit. They did not fully enter survival mode like the non-handled rats. This means that the rats that experienced periods of separation were not overly threatened by the presence of danger. These handled rats were more resilient to stress and could activate playfulness in environments that have been a source of stress in the past or might pose challenges in the future. They were aware but not overwhelmed.
This is what coaches typically want from their players – to play. They don’t want their players to tighten up to the point of paralyzing themselves from taking action. Or to act impulsively and make careless errors. Coaches want players to be free and attentive. They want players to face stress and not be overwhelmed by it. And this is done through support and separation offered by the coach. This support and separation helps establish an internal security for players to deal with stressful situations with less fear and reactivity.
When players believe they are supported and have a sense of security from their coach, they can face stress and continue to play, not suppressing their playfulness despite the possibility of failing. They see challenge as an opportunity rather than a threat. They feel less insecure and afraid. If they find themselves in pressure situations, they might become more careful in their decisions but they don’t shut down.
Stepping Back and Stepping Up
Allowing separation is difficult for coaches to do. We typically think we are being supportive by overcoaching or rescuing players. However, perhaps providing space and separation is a better way to support players than fostering an underlying dependence.
When stepping back, it may seem like you are doing nothing. It might even feel like you are doing nothing. But is that true? Is something not happening beneath the surface when players are given chances to figure things out on their own? Is it not valuable to let players be tested and see what they are made of before someone else steps in? Is it not our job to provide a space where players can deeply learn because they are allowed to have an experience for themselves? How else do we figure out who we are, who we want to be, and how to get there? How else do we find a life that is our own and begin to take responsibility for our actions?
Without this separation, players will lack trust in themselves because they will be insecure. Their insecurity will stem from feeling like they are not enough. They will feel threatened by stress because they won’t feel like they have what they need to deal with it. They will feel dependent on something outside of themselves rather than relying on something inside themselves.
Allowing this separation in the context of support gives players opportunities to internalize the security you give them. This lets them grow. It activates the nourishment that happens beneath the surface. Here is where skills of problem-solving, confidence, decision-making, collaboration, and honesty begin to strengthen.
Offering Both Support and Separation
These two examples show the balance between support and separation. Coaches should support players like the mature trees in a forest. This does not create dependency but empowers them to foster their own skills and connections. Coaches should also allow separation. Players should experience challenges, frustrations, and hardships. They should separate from supportive figures. These periods of separation allow them to cultivate the self-trust and internal security they need to play and respond to challenges with openness, curiosity, and resilience.
Support and separation help keep coaching simple.
Players play. Coaches help them play. And we all grow slowly.
It’s a long game. It’s a human game.
